A Five Year Mission
by Sachi-love
Summary: In the middle of the five year mission, Jim Kirk is fighting a depression that he's been spiraling into since that fateful moment he shared with his First Officer during his death. Spock is battling his own demons as he starts to feel his self control over his feelings for his Captain slipping with every day that passes aboard the Enterprise. Into Darkness Spoilers! Slow build!
1. Chapter 1

**To anyone who stumbles upon this fic, welcome! It's been a while since I've written any fan fiction, a couple years in fact but I've recently just fallen in love with this pairing and decided to write a fanfic of my own to share with you! **

**Let me know what you guys think with some reviews and don't be shy if you have any pointers to give! **

A five year mission. Five years in space to explore the farthest they could go and then some. It was a dream come true, right? It was what he'd wanted, what had been on his mind every minute of every day. He talked about nothing else for the longest time, so much so that his crew began to believe in his hope just as vigorously.

Then he'd gotten his ship taken away from him and the dream was pushed back into the furthermost reaches of his mind. Not even dying could bring the fantasy back to him because all he could think about at the time was that he desperately wanted to make those deep brown eyes staring back at him from the other side of the glass, to stop filling up with tears.

He raised his hand to the door just to try and feel any closeness he could as he felt his life begin to slowly fade away. He looked back up at his friend, his brother, the only person who could complete the other half of him. A ghost of a smile played on the corners of his mouth. Just as he watched a tear fall from his First Officer's lash and roll down his cheek, the world faded to black and he was gone.

There seemed to be no hope left in this black void. Jim Kirk wasn't sure how long he stood in the darkness waiting for the inevitable "white light". His mind continued to flash images of Spock's face, his eyes brimmed with tears. In all the time he'd known Spock he'd never seen the Vulcan express such emotion, even when his mother was taken from him or when Jim bated him on with said information.

It hurt knowing that he caused the Vulcan such sadness, and felt like breaking down in the black shroud. But he knew there was no point. Though he was overcome with grief over his own end, and wanted with every fiber of his being to see not only Spock again but his entire crew, his family, he knew there was no reason to be sad because he couldn't do much about anything anymore.

He sat down, briefly wondering how everyone else was going to react to his death, and felt immense warmth wash over him. He was ready to move on. As he shut his eyes, he took a deep breath and welcomed what he could only assume was the end.

Jim shook himself out of his trance, goose bumps rising on his arms and the back of his neck. He'd spent too long standing in front of the radioactive engine chamber again, his mind wandering back to the horrible moment that occurred three years ago. Three years ago. Had it really been that long? The first year was a blur of recovery, for himself and his ship, but the two years he'd spent on the newly patched Enterprise seemed like it all happened yesterday.

Sighing, Jim recalled just how exhausted he must have been to end up back at the glass door for the umpteenth time. He'd simply gone for a late night walk to clear his overworking, insomniac mind, but he ended up here. He always ended up here. He probably could've spent hours, and most likely had, just standing at this door looking in to where he once laid, ragged with heavy breath and radiation coursing through his veins.

It was a scary thought, to be standing on the other side looking in, but he felt a sense of reassurance standing on this side of the glass. His feet seemed grounded and his mind was at peace to know that he stood where his First Officer stood. Even though the minor tranquility reminded him of the pain that Spock endured on this side of the glass, Jim felt as one person. He reminded himself, yet again, that he wasn't dead and that this awful memory was just that, a memory. Jim shook his head and dispelled the flashback for the night and turned on his heel to make his way back across the ship.

Scotty, who at first fretted over his Captain spending long periods of time by the radiation chamber, was now accustomed to Jim's late night roaming and nodded once to him as he left, swiveling around in his chair and stifling a yawn that had crept up to remind him how late it truly was.

Jim imagined that if he were back on Earth, back home in Iowa, that if he were stay up just as late, that by now the sun would rising over the horizon. He'd spent many sleepless nights in his youth to know when he passed well into the next day. He made a mental note to watch a sunrise again once they docked back on Earth. It'd be a couple years but he missed it already.

Smiling to himself as he reached his quarters, Jim tapped in the passcode to unlock the door, ready to pile under his covers for a few hours of shut eye. Though he was barely sleeping, but he felt that only a few hours was all he truly needed to be the fresh faced Captain his crew came to know and love.

A small wall mirror begged to differ as he stopped short, surprised by his own appearance. Sure he looked the part of Captain, with his yellow shirt, black undershirt, and regulation black slacks, but his hair was tousled in permanent bed head and his face lay unshaven, stubble hugging his boyish features. He felt as old as he looked. The only good thing he still admired about himself were his blue eyes. They popped with vibrant colour, contrasting with the face they shined from, but at the same time burned with the insomnia he suffered from.

He could see all the thoughts that burned in his mind, through those blue portals and sighed, closing them. Many would say that it was normal for a Captain to be as tired or worn, what with all the duties and responsibilities laid out for him, but it wasn't just the paperwork, or the long hours sitting in the Captain's chair as he and his crew stared out at the never ending void that was space. No, it was other things, other things for him to be concerned with.

He sighed again and sauntered away from the mirror, from his thoughts. His bed called his name and his brain called for rest. He kicked off his shoes, undressed to his boxers, and clambered onto the bed, rolling around until he was something of a caterpillar in his covers. He shut his eyes and let sleep take him.

An alarm clock buzzed annoyingly off in the distance. Jim rolled over, the covers no longer enveloping him a warm cocoon, and groaned, as he peeked an eye open. He spotted the screen flashing the current time. It was ten minutes after the alarm had gone off, which meant that he was late to jumping in the shower. He silently wished the damn thing would shut itself off so that he wouldn't have to get up to do it manually, but he'd set it up across the room for that very reason. So he groaned one more time and kicked off the rest of the covers, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed.

He stayed that way for a moment, still half laying on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. Something inside told him to forget about his duties as Captain and to stay in bed, because in bed there were no problems. No paperwork, no crew, no worries about the safety of others. All the bed cared about was Jim's inability to find comfort long enough for a full nights' rest, though it tried on many occasions to assuage him of the deep depression he'd sunk so far into.

But no, that was not to be. He was Captain of the Enterprise. He was in deep space with people who cared about him on a ship he had grown to call home. It was all he ever wanted right? Then why did this nagging feeling in the back of his mind repeatedly tell him that he wasn't complete. That he wasn't a whole person just yet. Something was missing and when he thought long and hard about it, brown eyes flashed through his mind.

Sitting up straight, Jim shook his head, trying to make the visions of his death disappear. Sure, they were horrible and caused him to walk the ship every night until he could no longer keep his eyes open or string a single coherent thought together, but there was that constant good moment that kept rearing its' head. It reminded him that he indeed mattered more to someone else than he did to himself.

Suddenly his communicator that lay on the nightstand next to his bed went off, the chirping adding to the loud noise that the alarm clock was still playing. Jim reached over and grabbed it, flipping it open. "Mn...hello?" He grumbled, his voice not fully restored from sleep just yet.

"Captain. Your presence is required in sick bay. Dr. McCoy has informed me that we are due for our physicals." Spock had probably been awake for a while now, from the sound of his voice. To others he may have sounded the same old monotonous Vulcan but Jim could hear how refreshed Spock sounded. He wondered if he should start meditating. Maybe it'd help him sleep better.

"Yeah, sure." He sighed, standing up to stretch the stretch of gods. "I'll be there in a bit. Gotta jump in the shower." Closing the communicator, he made his way first to turn the alarm clock off, then off to the bathroom. He chose to forgo looking in the mirror this time, turning the water on without waiting, instantly jumped in to the cold water to wake himself up.

He'd slept a total of two hours. Two hours of dreamless sleep, which didn't happen very often, and felt it in his aching bones. He hoped he wasn't because Bones would be able to detect it and probably confine him to one of those uncomfortable sick bay beds or stick him with another annoying hypospray. He leaned his head against the cool tile, waiting for the water to finally warm up, and shivered, goose bumps rising over his entire body. It was a good way to remind him he was alive.

Spock closed his communicator and rose from his sitting position on the couch in his quarters. He'd risen early this morning, finding that he didn't need as much sleep as he thought, and spent it meditating. He'd briefly stopped to take a shower and answer a few messages on his PADD but ended up parking it on the couch, falling into a deep concentration.

Normally his mind was clear and he was able to bring himself to a sense of peace to help start the day, but today it seemed to take everything he had to sit still. It was rare for the Vulcan to be anxious or distracted but today was an unpleasant anniversary of sorts.

It was two years ago today that Spock and Nyota had gone their separate ways. Of course they really couldn't have gotten far from each other after the split because neither one was going to abandon the Enterprise but if there was any hint of a friendship afterwards, it was gone now.

Sure they tried to keep it professional for the crew's sake but Nyota couldn't help but throw a few awkward glances Spock's way. He tried to ignore them at first but after a few months he found himself avoiding being around her at any moment of downtime. It left him confined to his quarters mostly. It left him a bit lonely actually. Besides Nyota, Spock never had a reason to see much of the other crew outside of their shifts on the bridge. He wasn't trying to isolate himself, really, but he figured it was better to be alone most of the time than to recognize his half-human need for company. Or actually a specific need for a certain persons' company.

Blue eyes, red-rimmed with tears, staring up at him, pleading, begging for help and release all at the same time.

Spock could not shake this mental picture. Part of him didn't want it to go away. He assumed it was his human side that loved the bittersweet moment; that wanted to swim in that morbid memory. He was able to control that urge when he was up on the bridge but once he was alone in his room, alone with his thoughts, he couldn't, or wouldn't, stop thinking about that moment where everything fell from his control all at once for his Captain, his friend.

It was difficult for him to emote as easily as he did during the death of James T. Kirk. He'd felt something with Nyota, or he never would have pursued a relationship with her, but never at this volume, or with a man for that matter. It was strange, at first, to think that he could ever bring himself to feel this way for Jim seeing as how they'd began on a bit of an off-note. But as time went on, Spock started to notice little things here and there about the notorious trouble maker.

It was easy to say that Jim had a knack for finding danger in the dark but along with being a magnet for trouble came a sense of honor. Jim would never leave a friend behind because the statistics said they would be better off not going back for them. No, he'd risked heaven and hell to make sure that anyone he, sometimes unintentionally, put in harm's way would make it out alive to see the next day, the next adventure.

There was something to admire in that, and before Spock even had a moment to realize his feelings, to keep his emotions in check, Jim had sealed his fate behind that glass door and lay dying, holding Spock's gaze as his last lifeline. Spock knew at the exact moment, watching Jim's hand slip off the door, that he loved him. It swelled inside him, filled him with a lightness and heaviness all at once. And when Jim's vision faltered and his chest stopped rising and falling, Spock knew he had to do everything he could to cause unbelievable harm to Khan.

A knock at the door broke Spock from his temporary distraction and he rose to answer it. The door slid open, Jim standing there adjusting his yellow shirt. He flashed a smile at the Vulcan, grinning from ear to ear. "Ready? I figured we'd get this physical stuff done with as soon as possible and grab a bite in the mess hall before we start our shifts. You up for some bad tasting coffee?"

Spock tilted his head a smidge. "I have never been one for coffee, Captain. I will still accompany you to the mess hall if there is still time however." Jim clapped a hand on Spock's shoulder, his smile maintaining. The door slid shut behind the both of them as they made their way to the turbo lift.

The hallways were particularly quiet this morning, or so Spock thought. Their boots seemed to pound heavily on the floor with every step they took and Spock couldn't shake the heavy pounding happening in his chest. Sometimes he welcomed those isolated days, especially when it came to moments of spending time alone with Jim. He'd been successful in the first year, to keep his feelings in check around the Captain mainly because he'd spent a good chunk of their first year in space trying to find ways around any drama that would unfold with Nyota.

Some days he didn't even feel Vulcan anymore.

They'd reached the turbo lift and were on their way down to sick back to see Bones. It was quiet in there too, until Jim opened his mouth to yawn. Spock peeked over, noticing that Jim was slumping against the wall of the lift, his eyes closed briefly as another yawn escaped him. He was freshly shaven and his hair wasn't as messy as it appeared some days. His cheeks seemed a little flushed though and his posture was even impossibly more slouchy.

Spock opened his mouth to comment but the doors swished open and there stood Bones with an especially grumpy look on his face. Jim's eyes snapped opened and his grin plastered on his face once more. He hopped out and wrapped an arm around Bones' shoulders, jostling him slightly. "Mornin' Bones!"He chirped. Spock couldn't help but tense up slightly. Something in the way Jim gripped the doctor's shoulders bothered him a little but he tried not to show it as he stepped off the lift after Jim.

Bones grumbled, shaking Jim off of him, and turned to walk back to the sick bay beds. "Yeah yeah, a perfect morning for inspecting other men's bodies. Come on." He ushered the two over and grabbed his tools. "Park it Jim." He gestured to one of the beds and waited, albeit impatiently, for Jim to hop up on the bed, swinging his legs off the side. As Bones started to run his scanner over the Captain, Spock, who stood off to the side to await his turn, became lost in his thoughts as he watched the scanner start from the top of Jim's head, sliding past his chin, making mini circles in front of his chest and finally journeying down-.

Spock shook his head just an inch, a barely noticeable twitch, and mentally kicked himself for letting what he thought was a slip, to happen. Jim was done by now and had hopped off the bed with as much enthusiasm as he had to hop on. Spock calmly walked over and sat down on the same spot where Jim had sat. He was tall enough that his feet were planted firmly on the ground without any straining. He stared straight ahead as Bones began to wave the scanner from the top of his head.

He could see Jim in his peripheral picking up things and putting them down when Bones off-handedly chided him for touching them. He saw Jim pout and remarked how he looked a few years younger when he did so. Somewhere in his mind he made a note to want to see Jim make that face again. He then made another note to tell himself to stop with this note taking while he was in the company of others. All he had to do was wait a few more moments and they'd be on the bridge and his mind would wipe clean on the matters of Jim Kirk and his many facial expressions so that he could focus on work.

"Alright." Bones groaned and set down his scanner. Spock stood, adjusting his blue shirt, and placed his hands behind his back. "Spock, you're good to go, as always." He turned on his heel, glaring a little at Jim. "You on the other hand…other than what the scanner can tell me, I can just tell by looking at you that you still haven't been sleeping. What did I tell you about walking around late at night?"

Jim bit the inside of his cheek, looking down at his feet. He started to blurt out any excuse to his midnight strolls but Spock didn't hear much of it as his mind started to wander again. He'd had no idea that Jim was taking these late night walks. Sure he noticed that Jim seemed a bit exhausted recently, but spending all that time in his room didn't help when it came to what Jim was up to on his own. He was becoming too distracted. He could hear the conversation fluttering in and out of his awareness but he still lost in his own thoughts.

So much so that he jumped a fraction of an inch when Jim clapped a hand down on his shoulder again. He turned his head, a brow rising slightly at the confused look on Jim's face by his tiny jolt. "You okay Spock?" Jim's brow furrowed a bit, concern riding on his face.

"Affirmative Captain. I was merely calculating the time it would take us to walk to the mess hall before our shifts were to start." He threw out the only logical thing he could think of saying when really all he wanted to do was drag Jim back to bed and force him to sleep. Possibly something else concerning the bed-.

He mentally kicked himself again and tilted the corners of his mouth up slightly, the best he could do for a smile. Jim grinned back, that same damnable grin that Spock was becoming so use to that any other emotion on the Captain's face didn't compare to the glow that grin made. "It'll be fine if we're a little late." He commented before turning to thank Bones for that 'wonderful insight on his sleeping habits and how to fix them'. "Come on, let's get going." He nodded towards the lift and waited for Spock to join him at his side.

**I hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter! I will try to keep up a good update schedule but I have some other projects I have to work on as well plus I just recently had a baby boy, who has just turned 3 weeks a couple days ago so it takes me a good while to write up chapters. **

**Don't forget to leave a review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Well here is Chapter Two! I apologize for taking so long to update but I only get about an hour or so a day to write, maybe two if I end up staying up late at night between the baby's bottles. That and because I take FOREVER and a day to edit my chapters because my days usually consist of walking in the morning to get rid of the fat left behind after my c-section, then laundry, dishes, and taking out the trash, than a nap when my husband gets home from work in the afternoon, then crocheting some amigurumi animals for a friend's nursery, and then making dinner before I decide to stay up all night or take a nap again…So between all that is when I find time to write heh.**

**Thank you all for the lovely reviews though and I hope I don't disappoint with this chapter. All are welcome to indulge and enjoy and review to your heart's content!**

**On another note, I forgot to add on the previous chapter that I DO NOT own Star Trek or any of its characters so hopefully I remember to add it on every chapter in the future. **

"Good work today guys. Let's all get some sleep and keep pushing onward tomorrow." Jim nearly vaulted out of his Captain's chair, passing by to pat the backs of Chekov and Sulu as he tried his best to hurry off the bridge. He stopped abruptly though as the door swished open, as his eye caught Spock staring at his screen a little too intently. His gaze shifted slightly over to where Uhura sat and noticed that she too was staring a bit too intently, but at Spock instead. A golden brow rose just in time for the Lieutenant's eyes to catch his own. Uhura huffed and shot up, brushing past Jim through the door and out into the hallway. Jim's eyes followed her, the same brow still risen, wondering what exactly had her panties in a twist.

"Captain." Jim nearly jumped out of his boots as he turned to find Spock's face inches away from his own. His brown eyes slid a fraction to see behind Jim at Uhura's retreating form. "Did you require anything else from the bridge?" He asked, his eyes turning back to look Jim right in his bright blue eyes.

Jim shook his head slowly, watching Spock's eyes move. "N-no." He cleared his throat, taking a step back to put a little bit more space between him and his First Officer. "No, Mr. Spock. I don't need anything else. Would you like to join me in a walk though?" He had no idea where was going with this but he could feel and hear the tension in Spock's simple question and he quickly wanted to make it go away.

The question caught Spock a bit off guard. He took a second to let it sink in before he answered, tilting his head in slight amusement. "Of course, Captain."

"Great." Jim smiled as they made their way down the hall. Their shoulders brushed as they rounded a corner, a touch so familiar it would have felt odd not to have happened. Both were equally and awkwardly quiet as they reached the lift, until Jim snorted and smirked.

Once they were inside the lift Spock raised a brow, cocking his head slightly to watch Jim's lips form that perfect smug look. "Captain? May I inquire as to your good mood?"

Jim shrugged. "I'm just thinking of reasons as to why you and Lt. Uhura would be in yet another fight. What did you do this time?" Jim lived for this. For drama. However so little it was. He turned to face the Vulcan, a grin splitting his face from ear to ear.

Spock stiffened abruptly, faced forward, and laced his fingers behind his back. "Lt. Uhura and I have terminated our relationship. I was not aware that we were currently 'in yet another fight'." He could feel Jim's eyes widen and his smile fall. Spock wanted to move to look back at Jim but he felt Jim's stare holding him in place as if he were stone. He was suddenly very aware of how weak he may seem to his Captain and cleared his throat, waiting for anything to break this awkward silence.

Luckily, as soon as Jim was about to open his mouth to say something, the doors opened and Bones entered the lift. Spock took this opportunity to politely step off the lift, muttering something about forgetting something in his labs.

"Wait, Spock-" But the doors had already closed. He groaned and leaned against the wall, acutely aware of Bones staring at him curiously. He shut his eyes for a moment to collect himself, and shot up straight, turning to his friend. "Do you notice anything….off….about Spock lately?"

Bones rose a brow and crossed his arms. "You mean besides the obvious withdrawal?" He shrugged. "No more than usual, why?"

"I don't know…" He shook his head. "I just found out that him and Uhura just split. Maybe he's upset?"

"Can he even get upset?" Bones asked, a smirk playing on the corners of his mouth. He amused himself sometimes. Jim shot him a look that wiped the smirk away just as fast as it came though, and he shuffled uncomfortably. The doors to the lift opened and they both exited, walking down the hall towards Jim's quarters. "I think Uhura would be more upset than Spock would but maybe, just maybe, he's feeling something other than his normal stoicism." His eyes narrowed as they reached Jim's door. "Why does it matter?" He leaned against the wall next to the door. "You're not thinking of trying anything with Uhura are you? Because I'm pretty sure you'll get Spock to feel something for sure if you do."

Jim shrugged and clapped his friend on the shoulder. "Who knows?" He rolled his eyes playfully, tapping in the code to open the door. "No, I'm not gonna try anything with Uhura. I was just curious if I was the only one noticing anything different with Spock."

Bones snorted and followed Jim into his room, uninvited. "I think you'd be the only one to notice any change in his otherwise warm exterior." Ah sarcasm. Bones just couldn't go a day without it. He took a seat on the couch in small living area as Jim continued on into his room, leaving the door open ajar.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He yelled from the other room, trying to find a clean change of clothes in the pile of dirty ones that lay strung across the room carelessly.

"Well, I just mean that you guys are two halves to a whole, two peas in a pod."

Jim poked his head out from the door. "Quit with the analogies ya old fart." He sniggered as Bones threw a book at him. It missed and hit the wall next to him which made him laugh even more.

As he leaned back to recline his aching feet, Bones looked around Jim's room and noticed that it was just as unkempt as it had always been. Nothing had changed there but it still bothered Bones that it wasn't kept at least a little clean. When Jim came back out, dressed in a plain black tee, Bones gave him one of his famous disappointed looks. It made Jim stop short, any sign of amusement on his face wiped away.

Jim's eyes widened as if he were a deer caught in headlights. "What?"

Bones shrugged. "How are your late night walks going?"

Jim's mind reeled, trying to think of any other reason to tell Bones. In the end he couldn't think of anything better than the truth. Bones was his best friend after all. He sighed and sat next to him on the couch, resting his elbows on his knees to brace his face buried in his hands. "Okay I guess. I won't lie, I'm starting to feel it all over, but what can I do? I haven't been able to sleep right since I was in that coma."

"Yeah I know." Bones sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I could always prescribe you something to help you sleep if you want."

Jim snorted and shook his head, looking up at his friend. "Nah thanks but no. I actually like walking around the ship. It keeps my mind off things."

Bones looked away for a moment, sighing again. "Scotty told me that you've been visiting the radiation chamber a lot more. You can't still be thinking about that whole mess, are ya?" Jim opened his mouth to reply when a knock at the door sounded. He was feeling oddly interrupted these days. Raising a brow, Jim stood to answer the door.

Spock stood in the door way. His composure was cool as always as he stood straight with his hands resting behind his back. For a second Jim saw those brown eyes dart behind him and back to his face again. "Mr. Spock. I thought you had something to do in the lab." He wasn't quite sure but he felt a little stab of annoyance strike the back of his mind. If Spock had avoided talking to him in the lift and go as far as stepping off of it to get away from him than why was he standing at his door?

It took a moment but eventually Spock cleared his throat. "I apologize for my behavior on the lift. You were merely being curious, as is your nature, and I should have realized that as Captain you are required to know everything about your crew."

Jim rose a brow. "…Sure." He could have told him it was because he was bored as hell and a little drama was just the thing he needed to keep himself from going insane but instead he scuffled his feet. "Well thank you, Mr. Spock. Do you wanna come in?" He watched as Spock's eyes flicked behind him and back to his face again in a mere second. He shook his head slightly.

"I do not wish to intrude on the time you and Dr. McCoy are spending together." Jim heard a small hitch in his voice, something close to jealously hiding behind his otherwise steeled expression. He wanted to tilt his head and bate the Vulcan on it but decided against it and smiled, nodding.

"Right. Well thank you again, Mr. Spock." Jim suddenly felt very awkward. He looked down at his feet as Spock took his time to nod and walk off down the hallway. The door shut in front of Jim and for a moment he just stared at it. Bones cleared his throat from behind him and Jim re-joined him back on the couch. "Sorry, but do you see what I mean?"

Bones shrugged. "Jim, honestly, whatever you're seeing must be for your eyes only, because I don't see any change from his normal oddness." Jim stared off, his mind running a mile a minute on what that could mean. If the Doctor on this ship, who could pick out the minutest details, and was trained to, couldn't pick up on the subtle things Spock was doing then they must really be for his eyes only. He was going to have a lot to think about during his walk tonight.

ooooo

Spock was furious. He wasn't showing it and no one would have been able to tell unless he vocalized it, but he was pissed. At a couple things actually. One, for being such a dolt as to blatantly make a show of avoiding Jim by stepping off the lift when Dr. McCoy hopped on. His resolve for his feelings for his friend kept creeping up on him during the most inopportune times and he started to fear that he'd soon be found out if he kept going at this pace of ineptness.

Two, for seeing the Doctor sitting so casually on Jim's couch.

Three, for being angry at the fact of being angry at the sight of the Doctor sitting on Jim's couch.

He sighed as he rounded a corner, his mind a jumble of feelings and thoughts as to why Dr. McCoy was in Jim's room. He was so enthralled in his jealous thoughts that he barely had time to react as Ensign Chekov came running around the corner. At the sudden sight of blonde curls, Spock instantly took a step back and pressed his back up against the wall so as not to get trampled by the rushing Russian.

"Sorry Commander!" Chekov called as he continued running down the hall. Spock raised an eyebrow, wondering for a moment why Chekov would be running in the first place. Their shift was over and the blonde had as much free time to do with as he pleased so why was he in such a rush. Spock decided to follow him and took off at a brisk pace after the young man.

Bones was just leaving Jim's quarters, rolling his eyes as Jim tried yet again to quash any worries he had about his friend's late night strolls, when Chekov successfully bumped into him and sent them both to the ground in a tangle of limbs.

Jim leaned down to help them up. "Chekov? What's the matter?"

"Sir, all of our communications are out! Ve tried to call you from ze bridge but ze ship has dead air!" He panicked, shuffling from one foot to another.

Bones, who shook off Jim's hand gripping his elbow, straightened his shirt and quirked a brow. "And? Kid it could just be a…a loose wire somewhere, I don't know. But it's nothing to get all worked up over. Plus you could have called our communica-"

Chekov shook his head, his curls bouncing about. "No Doctor, you don't understand! Ze ship's communications, our communicators, all dead sir. Ve received a strange hail and zen suddenly nothing."

"A strange hail?" Jim started, grabbing the young Ensign by the shoulders. "Chekov that should have been the first thing out of your mouth. What do you mean a 'strange hail'?"

Spock had rounded the corner by now, stopping short at the sight of the small commotion in front of Jim's room. "Captain-"

"Not now Spock. Chekov? What strange hail? From who?"

Chekov shook his head. "It is remarkable, Kept-"

"Chekov!"

"Your Father, Keptin."

ooooo

When Jim was younger, and his brother, Sam, still lived at home, he use to spend long hours standing in front of the mirror looking at himself. He'd wonder what parts of himself he'd inherited from his father so he'd poke and prod his face and tug on his ears and hair just to try and find any resemblance he could from the worn out photo, the only photo he had, of his father he kept in a hiding space under his bed.

He couldn't ask his mother about him because every time he tried to bring his father up, she'd make some excuse and wave the topic away. So he turned to his brother for answers. Sam was a bit tight lipped at first but eventually Jim's curiosity couldn't be sated and he relented, telling him all he wanted to know. He even threw in a couple of memories he had of George Kirk when he'd come home on shore leave to visit with Sam and his mother. Sam made sure to constantly reassure Jim that their father was very much looking forward to the day of Jim's birth and though they'd never met, that George loved him. He believed it.

Though they were rushing down the hall at very fast speeds towards the bridge, Jim's mind had almost completely shut down. He had no idea what to think or what was going on. This had to be a joke. Someone must be playing a really inventive prank on him. Whoever it was was going to see the worst side of Jim T. Kirk.

Spock's eyes were glued in front of him as Jim, Bones, and himself followed Chekov through the door to the bridge, but his peripheral was set on Jim. A million worries raced through his mind and he desperately wanted to ask his Captain what was going on in his head. He could see Jim's jaw set hard and his shoulders stiffen considerably and for a moment Spock's brow furrowed in frustration before he steeled his features, lest anyone else see.

They all took their rightful places on the bridge before Kirk looked up from his lost moment at Uhura, who standing at the ready by her console. "Lt. Uhura, play back the message you received."

"Yes Captain." She tapped a few things into the console and brought up the message on the bridge window. A large view of George Kirk's face appeared on the screen. The video was paused where you could clearly see a distressed look on the elder Kirk's face. Uhura pressed a button and the video began to play.

**You've made it to the end of the chapter! YAY! How was it? Did you enjoy the many brows raising in this chapter? Because I put A LOT in for some unknown reason…I kinda noticed at the end how many times the boys raised their eyebrows but come on, they're sexy eyebrows so it's all okay in my book. **

**Anyway, please leave a review and tell me what you think! Thank you for reading! :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Welcome to Chapter three! So let me start off by apologizing for taking so long yet again. I really do think that I'll only be able to update once a week because my days are still just so busy, so expect a once a week on either Tuesday or Wednesday for an update. **

**Anyway, so this chapter is another small one. I try to shoot for 3500 words like the first chapter but sometimes I can only go to about 2500-2800. So this a short chapter for me. I'm a bit anal when it comes to writing most of the time, heh.**

**Thank you all for the reviews and the favs and follows. I'm glad so many people are liking this fanfic so far and it's only been a couple of chapters! When I say slow build, I mean slow build. I tried really hard to come up with a good plot for the main story line because I didn't just want to focus it solely on Spock and Kirk's thoughts/feelings. I wanted to give a bit of action because to be honest, who can resist Spock and Kirk in action? **

**So with that being said, please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of its characters.**

"_This is Lieutenant Commander George Kirk of the U.S.S. Kelvin." The video glitched. "I-I have been ej-jected along with the rest of my c-crew-" The video cut out and then back in. "-ship came out of nowhere. P-please I-" The video cut out again but when it came back, George wasn't looking at the recorder. He was watching out of a nearby window. The video froze as George stood up but the audio was still rolling. "Oh my God…no..NO! Winona! WINONA! No...no..." The video unfroze and there sat George with his face in his hands, sobbing. _

The video played for a few more seconds before Uhura stopped it. "Captain." She turned to see Jim sitting in his Captain's chair. His back was stiff and straight as a board. "There was about five more minutes of video but…" Spock slowly walked over to stand next to Jim's shoulder, tilting his head slightly to catch the sight of Jim's eyes watering up with tears. He cleared his throat and threw a glance at Uhura, who quickly shut the screen back to the view of the stars. Bones marched up to Jim's other shoulder, his face a combination of emotions between curiosity and outrage. He moved around to stand in Jim's line of sight.

"What in God's name-"

"Captain." Spock interrupted, catching Jim's attention. He tried so hard to keep his face in check from any sign of emotion as he watched those blue eyes catch his, tears threatening to fall. "I believe what we have just encountered is a transmission from another alternate timeline." He took a step away to move closer to the bridge window. Placing his hands behind his back he faced away to look out at the space and stars that surrounded the Enterprise. His mind was running a mile a minute. "Since the existence of my older self has proven that there lay different timelines-"

"Spock."

"-one could only ascertain that this timeline is one where you and your Mother-"

"SPOCK." Uhura was at the Vulcan's side in an instant, having crossed the bridge in large strides. She grabbed his elbow and looked up at him long enough to jerk her head towards Jim's retreating form. "Enough." She didn't have to say much. Spock heard the stern tone in her voice that said that if he kept going on like he was, he was going to seriously piss off everyone on the bridge. He took a moment to survey everybody's faces and once he was certain that Uhura's tone wasn't the only thing suggesting inflicting pain on him, he took off after Jim.

He caught him just as Jim was about to enter the lift. "Captain, I-"

Jim rounded on his heel, his face an assortment of anger, confusion, and utter heartbreak. Spock noted all of these emotions instantly and paused in the middle of his apology to stare. Jim stared back, his eyes roaming all over Spock's face. "What…" His voice was barely above a whisper. Spock continued to ogle, his mouth slightly open as if to say something more. Jim could feel his own irritation levels rising from within. Why was Spock just staring like that? Why wouldn't he say something? Just say something!

Spock shuffled awkwardly. "Captain-"

"WHAT!?" His voice bounced off the walls around them. It reverberated down the hall, an eerie hush following. Jim's hands balled into fists and were shaking slightly. He felt like hitting something and breaking down all at the same time. Although that video was only a few minutes long, and could quite possibly be from a neighboring timeline that he couldn't see, the effects that played out during the duration of the transmission was enough to make his heart break. He had to ground himself and remind himself that his mother was very much alive, albeit mostly absent from most of his childhood, but alive nonetheless. What he saw and heard in that video wasn't his reality. His reality had an annoying Vulcan staring slack-jawed in front of him. He felt like hitting that stupid expression off Spock's face but instead turned back around and entered the lift. He needed to get away, to get a moment to think.

But of course that wouldn't happen. Spock cautiously joined him in the lift. He was almost caught off guard by the sudden outburst but he chose to ignore the anger pointed in his direction and decided to just stand by Jim's side, silent. He placed his hands behind his back and interlaced his fingers, a common bodily position that brought a bit more calmness into his every day hard exterior. He felt that people could connect more easily with him while he stood this way. Without his arms down by his side, he left his front open, left himself vulnerable enough to stand on level ground with everyone else.

Jim rolled his eyes but he could feel some of his anger deflate the longer they stood barely brushing shoulders. He still felt annoyed but now it was because he hated the fact that Spock could be the only person he'd want to hit and stand next to in the same minute. He gave himself a couple of moments before he turned and sighed, facing his First Officer. "Spock, I-"

"I can completely understand why you would express such a bout of emotion. I remember being just as furious when my own mother died." Jim opened his mouth to interrupt but Spock cocked a brow and continued. "Though I am aware that what we heard in that video is not the truth that you know, I am confident that hearing it, and having no way of stopping of it, can hurt just as much."

Jim let out a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding and shut his mouth, running a hand through his golden brown hair. Only Spock could apologize and accept another's apology all in the same breath. Jim's anger had almost completely left him by now and all that was left was confusion. "How could this be possible?"

All at once, the Enterprise lurched. Spock flew across the lift into the wall and Jim followed, crashing into Spock. It felt like a car crash, or in this case, a "ship crash". Red flashed all around them as the alarms started to sound. Jim regained balance and hopped off the lift at whatever floor it had stopped at, which in this case was engineering, and started running.

Spock took a moment try to control himself. In a split second his emotions had spiked. He'd already left himself defenseless while apologizing and he wasn't expecting the sudden jolt to the ship nor the sudden impact of Jim's body on his own. With the red lights flashing and the alarms blaring, he couldn't concentrate long enough to pull himself completely back together before taking off down the hall after his Captain.

ooooo

"Scotty!" Jim rounded the corner, spotting the redhead in just as much a panic as he was in. "What's going on?"

Scotty whirled around, shrugging his shoulders as he started violently rapping on his keyboard. "I dunno Cap'n. She's been hit by a gravitational pull of some sort… Oh. My. God." Scotty had stopped typing, his eyes widening as he stared at his computer screen. Jim slid up next to him to grab a look at the monitor.

"What is it?"

On the screen was a very unpleasant view of a black hole opening up just beyond the front of the Enterprise. Spock had joined them, peering over Jim's shoulder. He hadn't even bothered to keep a safe enough distance so that when Jim turned around, they bumped into each other. Jim hadn't seem to notice anything concerning Spock's close proximity. He just looked onward as he made his way back down to the lift. Spock was flustered and quickly losing any control he thought he built back up in the short amount of time running from the lift.

Scotty followed leaving Spock alone. He took a deep breath and tried to study the footage of the ever growing black hole. He straightened his back and set his jaw hard. He concentrated on what a random black hole could mean and soon all illogical thoughts about Jim flew out of his mind. All that was left were theories and probabilities of what he was seeing.

ooooo

Dodging crew members and cutting corners, Jim and Scotty eventually made their way to the bridge where Sulu was already starting to punch in coordinates to escape through warp drive to. Jim rounded his chair and almost tripped down the steps. "What's going on?" He called out, watching with the rest of the crew as the black hole grew bigger and bigger outside the bridge window.

"Keptin, a black hole has opened up."

"Besides the obvious, Chekov. Uhura, why is it here? Are you picking up any Romulan readings?" Bones, who was intently staring over Chekov's shoulders at his screen, shot up quickly and turned, facing Jim.

"Romulan? Jim, what are you talking about? We beat the Romulan."

Jim shook his head and parked it in his chair. "Weren't you listening to Spock? He talked about an alternate timeline."

"Captain."Uhura interrupted. "Our coordinates, Sir." Jim looked over his shoulder at her. "This is where Vulcan use to be." She said, confirming what Jim was already guessing.

A cold quiet settled over the room as everyone suddenly felt heavy with the memories of the last time the Enterprise was here. The swish of the door and the footsteps of Commander Spock sounded louder, booming, as he walked down. He'd already figured it out. He'd known what Uhura had just confessed only seconds before. He knew why everyone was staring at him.

Jim swiveled around in his chair and looked up, watching Spock walk down the few steps before settling himself at Jim's side. He didn't look down but instead fixed his sight straight ahead. He could feel everyone looking at him, could feel the pity ebbing from them.

"It is not a black hole. It is a worm hole." He kept his eyes forward, his hands behind his back. "This is an opening to an alternate timeline. We were able to catch the video transmission because this place, where we intercepted the Romulan ship, the Narada, is weak to the timeline scar, or rift if you will." He paused. "I believe we have another chance to witness another miracle."

Everyone seemed to forget for a moment that the alarms were ringing overhead and that the ship was slowly moving towards the worm hole. Sulu brought everyone back. "Ready to enter warp, Captain."

"No." Jim spoke softly, his eyes still fixed on Spock. "Don't enter warp, just back us up a little if you can."

"Sir!" Scotty called. "The only way we can successfully escape is by entering warp drive. Otherwise we'll be sucked in to that bloody worm hole and we have no idea what's on the other side!"

"Ve did receive zat transmission from ze coordinates, maybe-"

"My God man! You're not suggesting that-"

"Quiet!"

Everyone turned to look at Jim who shot up from his chair and started pacing for a couple of seconds. He stopped and looked out of the bridge window. "We were given time to explore." He started. "Our mission is to explore every possible place we can, to push the boundaries. What better way to push past those boundaries than to explore where others can't always go."

Spock cleared his throat. "Captain, to do as you suggest and enter the worm hole would mean that there is a fifty percent chance that we would not survive the journey."

Jim rounded on him. "You said we may have a chance to witness another miracle. Don't you believe in miracles, Mr. Spock?"

Spock's mind exploded with a thousand different things he could say to Jim but he focused on one thought that stood out from all the rest. A memory of his Captain's face behind a glass door, dying. So close and yet so far away. And then Jim's face as calm as if he weren't just in a coma, so still as if he were still dead. He felt the familiar worrisome feelings that he'd felt those few years ago when he'd spent practically every night at the side of that damn hospital bed.

He stared at Jim for a moment before blinking away the thoughts. "I believe in logicality. Captain." And just like that he was able to scoop up everything he was feeling and lock it away in that secret vault he kept in the back of his mind. He did admit to himself, silently, that it was getting harder and harder to do that nowadays. "We have the lives of everyone on board this ship to think about, not just our own."

Jim looked around the room at everyone's faces. They all had this look that was a mixture between being curious about what was on the other side of that worm hole and a little bit of worry that their Captain was seriously thinking about risking everyone's life for another thrill ride. They may all respect him, he sure as hell earned it, but they didn't have to agree with his half-baked plans all the time.

"Keptin! Something's coming out of ze worm hole!" Chekov broke the silence, yelling and pointing at his screen. Bones leaned back over the Russian's shoulder to see but by then everyone else could see it through the bridge window. Something was coming out of the growing worm hole. It was small.

Bones' eyes widened. "Is that an escape pod?"

"Zhere is a life form detected onboard."

Jim jumped into action. "Scotty, get down to engineering and get a lock on whoever is inside. Chekov, follow Scotty and once he energizes this mystery person, get back here." He sighed, disgruntled that their communications were down. "Sulu, as soon as Chekov gets back I want you take us into warp drive three." Scotty ran out the door with Chekov following behind. Sulu nodded and tapped in for the warp speed, getting ready to punch it as soon as possible. Jim took a seat in his chair.

Spock expected him to grin, to show any sign of fluster over any kind of action, but Jim just sat in his chair, his chin resting lightly against the knuckles of his right hand, his face a stone wall. He hadn't given Spock any type of direction and to be honest he felt a little lost with what to do with himself. "Captain, I should be down in the energizing room in case-"

"No, Spock." He caught Spock's eyes with his own. Blue to brown on a thin invisible line that completely shook Spock to his core. "I need you here." Spock blinked and straightened his shirt, even though it didn't need any straightening, and nodded, moving to stand next to the Captain's chair.

Jim wasn't sure how long they were waiting for Chekov to return and he was growing antsy in his chair. It felt like a life time as they watched the escape pod moving farther and farther away from the worm hole. Eventually the pod started to shake and instead of continuing on its path, it started back into the gravitational pull. When the escape pod disappeared back into the worm hole, Chekov had run back onto the bridge. Sulu didn't waste any time before sending the ship into warp drive.

Light burst around the ship as they whipped past stars and planets. Chekov was busy catching his breath and Uhura was tapping into her keyboard. "Sir, communications are back online."

Jim nodded. "Scotty, tell me what we got." He said into the bridge comm.

"Cap'n you're gonna want to get down here. To meet your father."

**So I hope you enjoyed this chapter and please leave me a review if you have anything you'd like to say! :D I look forward to hearing people's opinions and thoughts on my writing. **

**I know I'm being a stinker for dragging out what everybody is eagerly awaiting to see but what's a story without a little suspense? I hope that I'm reeling you in more with stretching this out but don't worry, you'll like the next chapter…I hope :D…I hope a lot.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four is finally here! I'm on schedule but still, here it is!**

**Thank you all for the reviews :D I'm so happy that this fanfic has a growing fanbase. **

**Well there's not much to say this time. I reached about 3000 words so I'm happy with myself. This chapter was so much easier to write now that even I know where I want this story to go. Please enjoy and leave a review! I love ya'lls feedback! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of its characters.**

"Bring 'im ova here! Outta the way!"

"Take him to sick bay, I need to check his vitals. You there, ensign, help Scotty."

"Thank you…you saved my life."

"Buddy, you have no idea."

ooooo

People were talking to him, he could hear them, but he wasn't really listening. No, Jim already had too much on his mind and with this new tidbit of information, he was completely numb to everyone around him. He was aware that Uhura was talking his ear off, probably offering a 'shoulder to cry on' and Spock was buzzing with stored energy he was ready to burst with, but he wasn't paying much attention. Scotty's words echoed continuously in his head, set on a never ending loop. '-to meet your father, to meet your father-". He had an inkling, when they'd spotted the small escape pod leaving the worm hole. Everything fit too perfectly in to a colossal coincidence for it not to be his father in that pod, and he desperately wanted it to be true.

He just never thought he'd react this way when, and if, it did come true.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him from walking and it interrupted his thoughts. Jim looked around and noticed that he was outside the sick bay door. Uhura slid her arm down Jim's shoulder to grip his arm lightly. He looked over to see her face scrunched up in about a dozen emotions. He looked over at Spock, still looking as resigned as ever, and he felt that the Vulcan wanted to say something, to do something other than stand there with his arms behind his back. Jim sighed and looked down at his feet. "What do I do?" He wasn't sure who he was asking but Uhura chimed in anyway.

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to." She spoke softly, looking at him with such worry. "You can either turn around and not go in there or," She paused. "You can go through that door and face whatever happens, like we all know the Captain of this ship loves to do." She'd meant is as a soft joke, a smile playing at the corners of her lips but Jim looked back at her, his golden brows deeply furrowed.

He didn't need a reminder that he was almost about to send the entire ship into a risky situation without thinking of the consequences, yet again.

Jim looked over at Spock again, their eyes locking. He didn't need to reiterate the question aloud again. He knew his First Officer would know what to do. Spock, silent, nodded and pressed the button to open the sick bay door, taking a step back to allow Jim first entrance. Uhura dropped her hand and Jim walked through the threshold.

He was almost taken out by a blundering ensign running around like a chicken with his head cut off. Bones was yelling behind a curtain. "Out! Everybody out!" Three more ensigns raced by the Captain in a hurry to get away from the doctor.

"Idiots…" Bones grumbled as he walked out from behind the curtain, stopping short upon seeing Jim, Uhura, and Spock at the door. "Jim. Uhm". He looked a bit surprised, almost pitying him for a few seconds before he took a step forward. "Did you-"

Jim turned on his heel and high-tailed it out of sick bay.

Uhura looked from Bones to Spock, eyebrows raised in shock. Nobody really expected him to leave just like that but when Spock turned to follow, Uhura reached out and gripped his elbow again. He wanted to shake her off and tell her how annoyingly needy she was being but when turned to her, he saw a look in her eyes he'd only seen once before when he took off because of Jim. "Nyota."

She smiled sadly. "Be gentle with him, you know how fragile he can be."

Fragile. Humanly, he thought. She was right. Jim was always easily expressing how he felt, one of the things he admired about him. For one that found it difficult to show his feelings, it was a breath of fresh air to watch Jim do so with effortlessness. For Uhura to point out the easily noticeable meant she was suggesting fragility in another form but he couldn't figure out what she meant while his mind was elsewhere. He nodded to her and took off after Jim, thinking briefly that he'd never get tired of running after his Captain. He'd do it forever if he could.

ooooo

He thought he was strong enough to do this. He thought nothing could break him so easily but he also knew he was never the same man after his near death experience. Jim tried so hard to push past it and move on. He'd spent most of his time just trying to concentrate on being the outspoken, loveable bastard everyone was used to, but he was so tired, so exhausted of pretending to be okay.

Jim slumped against the wall. He wasn't exactly sure where he was on the ship anymore, but he just had to get away. Spock came running from around a corner and stopped abruptly. He watched as Jim slumped all the way down to the floor, his knees hiked up and his face in his hands. It took all Spock had inside him to walk over to Jim slowly and sit down on the ground beside him. He crossed his legs neatly and kept his back straight, waiting for Jim to say something first.

They sat there for a good five minutes before Jim lifted his head and peered over at his Spock. Tears lay dangerously close to falling down his face as he tried his best to smile. "I'm pathetic, aren't I?"

Spock twitched an eyebrow. "I am not sure I follow, Sir."

Jim sighed and sniffled, wiping at his eyes briefly. "How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jim when we aren't on the bridge?"

"I am not sure I follow, Jim." Spock blinked.

Groaning, Jim leaned his head back against the wall, staring up at the ceiling. "Uhura said it herself. Everyone's expecting me to be the me that takes things head on without looking back, but I just can't Spock." He shut his eyes. Spock stared, unsure of what to do or say. "Sometimes when I take my walks at night, I end up back at that damn reactor door. I just stand there and stare at the other side. Sometimes I wonder how I must have looked from the other side, and other times my mind plays over and over what it felt like to die. I can't get it out of my head and it's driving me crazy."

Spock opened his mouth to speak then shut it, then opened it again. "You experienced a traumatic event. It is only natural that you react in such a way."

"For three years?" He'd tilted his head, eyes locked on Spock. "Three years I've been trying to piece myself back together but I just feel so empty, so incomplete, as if a piece is missing." Flashes of those brown eyes filled with tears. Jim shook his head, trying to shake that memory away.

"If you have been feeling this way for some time, you have fooled everyone, fooled me." He shifted. His legs were starting to fall asleep but he didn't want to move any more than he had to. "You conveyed the impression of normality."

Jim snorted and scrunched his eyes shut, tilting his back up. "Yeah, that includes almost risking everyone's lives just to go on another half-assed mission."

Spock was silent a moment. "I believe everyone aboard this ship would follow you anywhere you would want to go." He paused. "I know I would." Bold move. He'd laid it out there, not quite sure where he was going with this. Jim hadn't seem to notice anything behind that statement until he opened his eyes and looked back over at the Vulcan.

Jim flushed a bit, his cheeks reddening. "I know you would, Spock."

They stared at each other for a moment before Spock looked away, a slight greenish flush to his own cheeks rising. Jim sighed again. "Even you." He grumbled.

Spock rose a brow, the green tint gone as he gazed back at his Captain.

"Everyone is either giving me a look like they just want to hug me or no look at all, even you."

"Jim, that's not why-"

"Forget it." Jim started to stand, his legs a bit wobbly, and leaned against the wall. He looked down at Spock, his face scrunched up. "You're always one to be honest with me. That's one of the reasons why I leave my guard down around you, because you don't just tell me what I want to hear. I expect everyone to walk on eggshells around me, but not you."

Spock tried to get up in a hurry but his legs, which were now almost fully asleep, wouldn't let him. Jim rolled his eyes, misreading Spock's slow speed for something other than it was, and took off back towards sick bay.

"Jim, wait."

"Don't bother. Everyone wants the fearless Captain James T. Kirk, then I'll be him again." And with that he rounded the corner, leaving Spock alone.

ooooo

"Uhura." Uhura jumped at the sound of her name. She turned around to see Jim walking back towards her. She'd moved back outside of sick bay to leave Bones alone with his patient, although she was eager to meet him. "Report to the bridge and hail Earth. Request early shore leave, but do not tell them why."

"Captain?" She raised a brow.

"Just do it. Please." He sighed, running a hand through his disheveled hair. "And if you see Mr. Spock, please take him with you."

Uhura blinked, looking over Jim's shoulder to see that Spock hadn't in fact joined them. "Y-yes Sir." She took off down the hallway back towards the lift, wondering what had brought on this sudden change.

Jim faced the door, taking a moment to compose himself, and tapped the button to open it. Bones was back behind the curtain. Jim could see his faded silhouette standing next to the sick bay bed with a PADD in one hand and his reader in the other. He also noticed the other silhouette sitting on said bed, hunched over.

"I only have a couple more tests to run." Bones said to the other figure as he left from behind the curtain again. He stopped upon seeing Jim standing by the door, and stared for a moment before continuing onward to his desk. He nodded towards the curtain and took a seat in his chair.

Jim took his cue and cautiously walked towards the curtain. He clutched a good clump of the fabric before pulling it back slowly, seeing a man hunched over, his face in his hands. Jim's own hands began to shake but he continued until he was standing in front of the man.

"How many more tests are there Doctor?" The man muffled into his hands. His voice sounded cracked, as if something was broken inside. Jim could only guess from what he saw on the video transmission. "Doctor?" He asked again. Jim cleared his throat and straightened his back, tugging his shirt down to get rid of any wrinkles. When the man looked up, Jim almost lost his reserve. Blue eyes stared back him from a stranger, yet not a stranger's, face. That face he'd stared at so many times as a child; that face in the wrinkly, cracked photo he kept hidden under his bed. That face that he was meeting for the first time. "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were the do-…do I know you? You look familiar."

If Jim stared any longer he would have lost all nerve. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I'm Jim…Jim Tiberius Kirk." The last thing Jim saw before he hit the ground and blacked out, was the look of shock and confusion that crossed his father's face.

ooooo

Spock was too busy wandering the halls, lost in his own thoughts, to notice that Uhura had come up behind him. When she did, he nearly jumped out of his boots, which caused Uhura to stop and stare. "What is going on between you two? I thought I told you to be careful and now he doesn't want you anywhere near him."

He straightened himself and stood tall, trying to wipe any sign of emotion off his face. "He assumed that I was treating him as everyone else was, 'walking on eggshells', when I was merely enlightening him that if he were to have this ship be a part of another adventure, that we would all follow him, no questions asked. He appeared to express concern for wanting to explore the worm hole."

Uhura squinted and shook her head. "No. That doesn't make sense." She took a step toward him. "What did you do, Spock?"

Spock stared down at her for a moment. He wanted to tell her that he had been an idiot. That Jim needed him in his vulnerable state and he had left himself wide open which lead to the huge misunderstanding, but he wasn't use to all this. "I will be in my room should you require anything Nyota, but I do ask to be left alone for a little while." He walked away without giving her a chance to respond. He was done talking to anyone for now. He desperately needed to get to his room for some meditation.

Meditation helped to clear his mind. He use to do it as his morning ritual, to begin each day with a clean slate of mental health but he'd begun doing it more frequently upon discovering his feelings for Jim. He felt that he was constantly locked away in his room just trying to get his head wrapped around everything but that's just what he needed to do right now or he wasn't sure how far off the deep end he was going to jump off.

His comm chirped at his side. Spock looked down at it, not really wanting to answer it. He was only a few feet away from his door, his small sanctuary. He could just chuck the communicator and literally lock himself in his room until he felt like his old self again, but that would be irresponsible and Spock's duty to the ship was one of his top priorities. Inwardly sighing, he opened his comm.

"Spock, I need you back down at sick bay. Jim fainted."

"Affirmative, Doctor."

He didn't need to be told twice. Meditation could wait. Jim would still need him, or even more so that Spock still needed Jim; needed Jim to be okay with him. He took off at a brisk pace back down to sick bay, passing by many ensigns that jumped to get out of the way of the speeding train that was Spock. When he walked through the door into sick bay, Bones was leaning on a corner of his desk. He gestured for Spock to come over to him.

"May I inquire as to why our Captain has fainted?"

"Tch…inquire. Can't you just ask 'how's jim doing?' jeez." Spock stared at him for a moment before Bones rolled his eyes and stood up straight. "He's fine. Well, as fine as one can be when meeting your dead father from an alternate reality…god I hate space." He grumbled. "Look, he doesn't need to stay here, as much as I would like that he did, but we all know he'd be more comfortable waking up in his own bed. Plus I still need to brief Papa Kirk over there about what exactly happened to him. Would you take Jim back to his room?" Bones nodded towards a sick bay bed where Jim lay still.

Spock walked over, staring down at the sleeping form of his Captain, an eerie chill creeping down his spine. He remembered that slumbering face all too well and it frightened Spock a bit. He nodded. "Yes, Doctor." He slid an arm under Jim's legs, and another arm under his arms and scooped him up into the bridal style and carried him out of sick bay. Spock kept his head up straight, staring ahead of him as he walked through the halls, passing by crew members who stopped to stare, raise brows, or whisper to each other as to the position Spock was carrying their Captain. It probably wasn't a good idea to emasculate Jim this way but Spock wasn't sure if he had it in him to fling Jim over his shoulder and be face to face with his butt.

But it was true, Jim would be more comfortable waking up in his own bed so Spock kept going until they reached Jim's door. He entered the override code to open the door and entered his Captain's quarters. The room was dimly lit, a lamp the only source of light on the coffee table in the living area. Spock made his way to Jim's bedroom. That too was dimly lit but only from the light out in the living room. Clothes were flung all about the room and an empty coffee cup sat on the night stand. The sheets on the bed lay disheveled, unmade.

He laid Jim down, turned to leave and stopped. He felt a small tug on the bottom edge of his shirt and looked down to see Jim's hand curled around the fabric. Spock peered over at Jim and saw he was still asleep so he pulled Jim's hand carefully away from his shirt and laid it across his chest. He stared for a moment, down at his Captain. Jim's face seemed so serene, so at peace. Memories of many nights staying by his side, waiting eagerly for him to wake up, flooded his mind. Spock couldn't just walk away now, so he went and grabbed a chair from the living room and parked it right next to Jim's bed. He'd be there for him when he woke up, just like before.

**Ta-da! Did you like it? I know ya'll were waiting for some interaction between Papa Kirk and Jim and even though it was slight, I hope I didn't disappoint. Don't worry though if you were, next chapter will have a heavy father/son feel to it! Gotta give Spock's brain a break from all that thinking! **

**Don't forget to leave a review! :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five is here! **

**So writing has become a whole lot easier, especially with the schedule I have for myself, and I'm pretty proud! :D **

**Thank you all for the reviews. I'm so happy that I see the favs and follows growing. Seeing so many people interested in my fanfic makes me love writing even more. Though this chapter is smaller than the previous ones, I felt like I covered some good ground and made good progress for Jimmy boy both on Spock and his father.**

**Please enjoy reading and don't forget to review! Love you all!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of the characters.**

The last time Jim remembered fainting was when he was ten years old. His brother, who'd come in late, yet again, from a night out of illegal drinking with his friends, had been caught by their mothers' latest and greatest of boyfriends. This one seemed to think that he'd birthed Jim and Sam himself, and regularly helped himself to treating the boys as his own flesh and blood. Sure that sounded good on paper but the boys didn't see it that way, especially when having to watch the other on the wrong end of a belt. Tonight was Jim's turn to watch as Sam stood straight, arms down by his side, hands bawled into fists. He'd been pulled out of bed, as is often the thing this current boyfriend did, and was made to watch. He had to learn that punishment will always follow those who break the rules, those that disobey.

He'd seen many beatings by the belt before, even felt a few lashes for himself, and never batted an eye, knowing that his brother was a rock; was his rock. But this time was just too much to take. As Sam stood firm, he tried his hardest to hold his ground and stare at the wall, thinking of a place far away from here. The belt came down a little too hard and drew blood. Sam fell to the floor, an outcry bursting from behind his lips. Jim jumped as if he'd felt the pain himself and watched as the blood splattered from the next blow of the belt. This boyfriend didn't care; he just kept going. He didn't care that Sam was now a mess on the floor, writhing and whimpering and boisterously crying with each hit. He certainly didn't care that Jim had crumpled to the floor just as fast, losing consciousness for the first time in his life.

It was something of a miracle that Jim was able to break away from this scarring past, to be able make his own mistakes without disconcerting consequences. Otherwise he'd never be the person he was today. To be the person who lay in his bed, in his room, on his ship, with his First Officer fast asleep in a chair next to him.

Jim had been awake for some time now. He'd faded into consciousness as if awakening from a pleasant dream, though there was never anything pleasant in his head as he laid there for hours asleep. He had surprised himself for waking so gently but as his ceiling came into view, he no longer felt as panicked as his nightmares made him. He felt calm and at peace with himself.

Spock was there, Jim was sure. He was afraid for a moment that he had dreamed him sitting there, head tilted slightly forward, his arms folded across his chest and his legs outstretched but crossed one over the other at the ankle. He wasn't sure how long he had been staring at Spock but he figured long enough when his limbs started to tingle, his body telling him that it was time to get up and move. He sat up, letting the sheets fall to his lap, and sighed, thankful that he was still in his clothes.

Bringing his knees up and wrapping his arms around them, Jim hunched over, hugging his legs and continuing to stare at Spock. He watched as the Vulcan's chest rose and fell slowly with each breath. His face was calm, his lips parted slightly, and his eyelashes fluttering ever-so-gently against his skin. It was a strange site to see Spock so tranquil when his own thoughts were filled with memories of tears and heartbreak. Jim smiled a little and tried to suppress the flush of heat rising to his face. He sighed and looked up at his clock, realizing how late it was; if late was really relative in space at all.

He rose slowly from the bed and made his way to the bathroom. He turned the shower on, letting the water warm up before shutting the door and stripping naked. The water felt good on his skin, which felt clammy and cold, falling in tiny droplets from his hair to his toes. Leaning against the tile, Jim allowed himself to forget, just for a moment, the reason behind his fainting spell. He permitted himself to get lost in his own head for a while as the water drenched him, and think of the other person occupying his room.

A small tap on the bathroom door alerted Jim and he turned, almost slipping on the wet tile. "C-come in." His voice broke suddenly so he cleared his throat, that damnable flush rising to his face again. Thank god there was a shower door, steamed up, between him and Spock, as the Vulcan entered cautiously.

Spock, too, had to clear his throat before speaking. "Captain, I awoke and you were not in bed. I concluded that I should come check on you, in case you were in need of anything." Normally offering assistance would have been the thing to generally do, but having heard the sentence come out of his mouth while he stood in Jim's bathroom, the only thing between them the shower door, it sounded a bit off and Spock had to hold his ground and resist the urge to run away from the embarrassing situation.

Jim stared at the fuzzy figure that was Spock. He was suddenly very aware of the state of things and of how very nude he was. He wondered if Spock could see anything behind the foggy door. "No, I'm fine. I just had to take a shower." Jim was mentally kicking himself for how awkward this all was. Sure he'd never been in this predicament with his First Officer before, but he also hadn't felt this nervous about him before either. Spock remained silent for a moment and Jim unexpectedly found himself thinking back to the radiation chamber, about the glass door that had divided them then. "Spock?" He called out, staring at the still fuzzy silhouette on the other side. His heart started to race, a small panic rising inside him. Why wasn't Spock answering him?

Why indeed. Spock stood staring at his own fuzzy image of Jim's body and couldn't find anything to say. Sure there were thousands of things running amuck inside his head, but none he could say without feeling utterly flustered and slightly ashamed of himself. And while he stood there trying to find any words to say, Jim was having a minor panic attack on the other side. He opened his mouth to finally push something out when the glass door flung open and Jim came flying out of the shower stall, wrapping his arms around Spock's neck and burrowing his face in the Vulcan's shoulder, shivering from more than the cold.

What could Spock do? He was so shocked that he could only stand rigid against Jim's body, which was drenching Spock through his clothes. "C-captain?" He choked out, not knowing what to do with his hands. He kept them down by his side, unsure. "Ca-"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a jerk, for accusing you of being just like the rest and treating me like a baby." Jim continued to shiver, partly from the cold but mostly because of the humiliation he was inflicting upon himself. "I'm sorry that I expect a lot more from you than I should, I'm sorry. Just please don't stand there behind this door and not say anything." The words were just spilling from his lips and he couldn't stop himself. He opened his mouth to say more, to apologize more but Spock's arms wrapped around his waist, hugging him closer.

"No. It is I who is regretful of the feelings I have inflicted upon you, Captain." Spock spoke softly, turning his head slightly to see the reflection of them in Jim's mirror. He let himself smile a little before letting it fall, along with his arms from the hug. He peeled Jim's arms from around his neck and kept his eyes on those bright blues as he pushed the blonde lightly away.

Jim stared back, realizing how close their faces were from each other's. The shower continued to play in the background, the sound of the water hitting the tile was a bit deafening. Steam, from the heat, clouded around them, filling the room up. Spock still had Jim's arms in his hands, his fingers digging in just a little too roughly. Jim didn't seem to mind though. Both of them were stuck in this trance, staring into each other's eyes.

A chirp sounded at Spock's hip, his communicator alerting him and breaking the staring contest him and Jim had going on. Spock looked down at his communicator before back at Jim. He blinked, unsure of whether he should let go and answer it or ignore it all together and…and what? What would come from ignoring his duties as Commander? Eventually pride for his position won out and he regretfully released Jim's arms to answer his comm. "Yes?"

Bones lay on the other end. "Is Jim up yet? I've showed his father to his own room to get some rest but he's been asking about Jim."

Spock looked over at Jim, his eyes silently asking him if he was really okay, if he was stable enough to see his father. Jim looked down at his feet and nodded, turning to retreat back into the shower stall. He shut the door and Spock took his cue to exit the bathroom altogether. "Yes, the Captain is awake. He is taking a shower and will be ready to see his father. What room is he in?"

ooooo

Again, Jim stood at a door, anxious and excited to meet the man on the other side of it. So this technically would be the second time he was meeting his father, but it'd be the time that counted. He felt stronger now, firm and grounded, and a little less anxious. At his side stood Spock, who hadn't even bothered to change his clothes. He promised he'd stand by Jim until he felt good enough to do this on his own. Jim loved this feeling of stability, but he had to go into the room alone.

Jim looked up and nodded to Spock before opening the door. He stepped in and the door shut behind him. It was a simple room, just a bed, a small table close to the floor with a few pillows for comfortable seating on the floor, and a bathroom off to the right. This room was substantially smaller than most aboard the ship, but it was really only used for patients from off-ship in need of long term rest.

His father was sitting on the bed, hunched over and staring off, lost somewhere, but he turned when Jim walked into the room. George sat up straight and gestured to one of the pillow seats at the small table. "Please." He said, his voice small and quiet. Jim followed his lead and took a seat on the pillow. George took a moment to collect himself, running a hand through his hair. "This…is weird." He said, exhaling a breath he wasn't aware he'd been holding. "One minute you were gone…and now you're here, and a full grown man at that."

Jim quirked a brow, confused. "How-?"

"Your Doctor briefed me on what had happened. Apparently I'm in an alternate reality where I'm dead and you and your Mother survived the Romulan attack." A small smile of relief played on George's lips as he took in the site of the son he thought he'd lost. "Was I really Captain before I died?" He had a million questions to ask but started slow.

Jim nodded, finding it difficult to say much of anything. He took a deep breath and sighed. "Yes. For a few seconds you were Captain of the Kelvin. You saved my life, and mom's." It felt weird, talking this way, slow and semi-polite. Sure he knew when to follow protocol and have a formal vocabulary on back up, but it felt odd speaking this way to his father, even though he'd only just met him. "I'm sorry for…fainting earlier. You have to know this is just as equally weird for me."

George shifted uneasily from where he was sitting. He moved to sit on the other pillow on the ground to gain equal footing with Jim. "The Doctor seemed in a bad mood, but he managed to tell me in the middle of his ramblings, that you're Captain of this ship, the Enterprise."

"Yeah, that's right. I uh…I was given the ship by Captain Pike, in so many words. But yes, I'm Captain."

"Captain Pike? I remember him from the Academy." George said, a thought passing through his head. "You're so young though." He hadn't meant any animosity in the comment, but it came across to Jim that way.

Jim stood, pacing a little in the small room. "Yeah, well, I was dared to do better than the accomplishments of my father." He felt a metaphoric stab to his heart as he remembered many of his and Pike's conversations. Pike was the closest thing he'd had to a father and he too was ripped away from him.

George stood as well. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. I just…I expected you to be a little older being a Captain is all."

"Yeah, I guess there's a lot of catching up to do on both our parts. Oh!" He wheeled around, stopping short. "What about Sam? Won't he be orphaned now? I mean we did just-"

"Sam?" George rose a brow. "Who's Sam?"

"Your son...uh your other son. Sam's my older brother."

George shook his head. "You were our only child. There is no Sam."

Something struck Jim inside, a revelation of sorts. "Do you have anything back there, in your time?"

George sat back down and rested his face in his hands. "No." He mumbled into his palms. "You and your mother were all I had."

"Do you want to go back there?" He felt his heart race a little. If his father said no than Jim was going to be given a second chance to get to know him. He waited, tense and nervous.

It took a moment but eventually George looked up at his son. "I…I don't know." He shook his head. "I don't know right now. I need time to think." Jim nodded and headed to the door. "Jim, wait." The name felt odd on his tongue but he continued. "Becoming a Captain of a star ship at such a young age is something a father could be very proud of." He tried to smile but the memory of the pain he felt upon seeing his wife and new born child blow up was still fresh and he fell short.

Jim nodded, giving a small smile in return before he took his leave. The door shut behind him as he walked back out in to the hallway. His head was down as he stared at his feet. He felt a little sadder, opposite of what he'd expected to feel. He could feel his depression settling in and suddenly the hallway around him seemed smaller.

"Captain?"

Jim jolted, looking up to see Spock on his right. He rose a golden brow, confused. "Spock? I thought you left back to the bridge. How long were you standing here?"

Spock blinked. "I have not left this spot since you went in to talk to your father." He said matter-of-factly. "How did it go?" He thought he might not have the right to ask that question but it was out of worry that he was curious.

"Uhm. I don't really know. Good I guess?"

"I anticipated that you would be much longer."

"We have a lot to discuss, but I just asked him a big question and he wanted some time alone. If he accepts my proposal than I will have a lifetime to get to know him." Jim sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I think I need to go for a walk."

"Would you mind if I joined you?" Jim shook his head and gestured Spock to follow him down the hallway.

** And here we are at the end of the chapter. I do apologize for the shortness of it. I wasn't even able to hit 2800 in the story alone but to reiterate, a little progress was made between Jim and Spock and his father. **

** Who all loved the tiny shower scene? I know it seemed a little out of character for our loveable bastard of a Captain but hey, he's human, he has feelings too. Feelings possibly for a very cute Vulcan….- **

** Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and please don't forget to leave a review! **


	6. Chapter 6

**Welcome to Chapter Six! **

**So this is probably the longest I've ever stuck with a fanfic before, because honestly my attention span is tiny and I'm known to hop from one hobby to another frequently. But! I really want to write this because it continuously swims around in my head and I want so much to happen and share it with you. SO! Here is Chapter Six, entering us into the holidays. **

**I have plans.**

**I appreciate all who've left reviews and I would appreciate it if you kept them coming! I love hearing from you guys :D**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of its characters.**

Winter was a nice time in San Francisco. Sure, it was no Iowa with its rolling hills of snow and hot chocolate by the family hearth, but the nippy hair brought forth comfy scarves and the chance for cuddling under the blankets to happen.

The last winter Jim could remember spending on Earth was in San Francisco during the year of his recovery. He had spent most of his time cooped up the gym provided for the patients in the hospital, training his body to feel the tension it had missed during his coma. Bones usually was right there with him, talking his ear off about some trivial matter in the med bay. Jim didn't mind all that much. Sometimes he wanted to be left alone, to spend the time wrapping his thoughts around his heavy mind, but he admittedly missed him when Bones wasn't around.

Jim had spent many Christmas' alone in Iowa when he was younger. With his mother mostly M.I.A. during his childhood, and Sam growing up and wanting to spend time with his friends, Jim learned to rely solely on himself. So that meant he had to solely rely on bringing himself his own Christmas. It composed mainly of him sitting on his bed, unwrapping things he found around the house that he'd wrapped up earlier that day.

Even when Jim had started his notorious days of being a ladies' man, he'd spent the holidays alone.

All that changed when he joined Starfleet though, when he became fast friends with Bones. Then, when he had normally held himself up in his room on Christmas Eve, wondering when things in his life were going to finally start going his way, Bones had filled the emptiness and spent every Christmas with him. He would remark that he'd see his daughter the day after, because unlike her who had his ex-wife to spend the holidays with, Jim had no one and Bones wasn't going to stand for that. Jim reminded himself of that every time Bones got on his nerves. He'd found a good friend in him.

This Christmas sure was going to be interesting.

Jim had been so lost in thought of the holidays coming up, that he hadn't realized he was the last one still standing in the lift until Spock called out his name. He looked up to see Spock holding his hand out to block the lift door from closing. He stared at Spock's hand for a moment before stepping off the lift. He smiled a bit sheepishly at the Vulcan and readjusted a pack laying on his right shoulder. "Thanks."

Spock, matching Jim's stride as they made their way out of the docking bay, tilted his head slightly. "It was not a problem."

Ensigns ran past them, some of the younger ones laughing together at the thought of shore leave. Some of the older ones nodded as they passed their Captain, a few throwing a "Happy Holidays" his and Spock's way. Spock never really understood the many reasons behind Terran holidays, gift giving, lavish dinners, looking for eggs in the obvious of hiding places, but he did understand that they gave people a chance to be together.

When he had left Vulcan to join Starfleet, Spock was able to witness these holidays in action at the academy. He never partook in them because he couldn't find a good reason to, but he liked to watch others dress up in costumes, or shoot fireworks to celebrate a new year. New Year's Eve was possibly his favourite out of all the rest. People believed it gave them a chance to start over, to wipe the slate clean on the past years transgressions and move forward with their heads held high.

He had only attended one New Year's Eve party in all the time he was at Starfleet. All the years before he'd spent alone in his room, meditating, and sometimes watching the fireworks outside his window. This particular time, Spock had been invited by Uhura as her date. He'd stand in the back of the room, hands behind his back, and watch as everyone else mingled, as Uhura chatted up with friends and other instructors.

She'd visit him every so often, sometimes to try and get him to join the crowd and other times to just check up on him. He'd smile and send her back into the sway of the party, wishing her a good time. When the countdown to midnight started, Uhura had come back to his side and took his hand in hers. She'd smiled up at him and when midnight struck, she leaned up and sweetly planted a kiss on his lips. She explained later that that was what you were supposed to do at midnight, kiss the one you love to start the New Year off in the favour of them both.

Spock stared at Jim now, as they stepped out of the docking bay and into the brisk night air. Outside on the streets, people zipped past in a hurry to get wherever they were going. The wind was blowing something fierce and Spock had to wrap the scarf hanging on his shoulders around his neck and chin. Jim's hair flowed to and fro as they both made their way down the street and his cheeks instantly reddened with the oncoming bite of the cold weather. Jim's teeth chattered but he gave no other sign that he was uncomfortable. Still, Spock was a little worried.

"Captain-"

"Jim."

"Jim. I thank you for accompanying me off the ship but I think you should have gone with Doctor McCoy and your father. Surely that would be a better use of your time."

Jim shook his head, looking ahead of him as they rounded a corner. "Nah. I don't know, I'm not quite ready to see him again. Figured I'd take another day to just…process all of this, yanno?" He shot a glance at Spock. "Plus, I'm dying for a beer right about now. Wanna join me?"

Spock stared for a moment before shaking his head. "I must admit that a cup of tea is on the edge of my mind but I must be getting back to my apartment."

Raising a brow, Jim spun around to walk backwards in front of Spock. "Got plans?"

"No. I just-" Spock began, readjusting his scarf.

"Then come with me. The bar isn't that far from your place." He stopped walking, his pack falling off his shoulder. "Please?"

Spock was a bit caught off guard with the politeness that Jim was affording him. Jim could have just demanded a little more and Spock would have given up and followed just as easily but the please that left his lips begged for company, for his company. Spock had a feeling that Jim still wasn't ready to be left alone.

It had been a couple days with the Enterprise in warp drive as they made their way back to San Francisco to dock for shore leave, and when Jim wasn't on the bridge, he'd request that Spock join him with wherever he was going, with the exception of the restroom and when he slept. If he slept at all of course. Jim was still walking the ship at night and when he did, Spock usually accompanied him on those as well. Spock didn't mind. He enjoyed the silence as they walked. Jim wasn't usually up for conversation when he was deep into his thoughts, and only once did they find themselves back at the reactor chamber door.

Jim had gone still beside Spock. His eyes, which were usually so alight with curiosity and wonder, seemed a darker shade of blue when they were fixed on the glass door. They'd stood there for about an hour before Spock moved. He placed his hand on Jim's shoulder and nodded away from the door. Jim had taken the cue and left with Spock.

"Sure." He said, the corners of his mouth turning up in a small smile.

ooooo

The Keg was a small, but popular bar that sat on the main road. Students from the Academy frequently flocked to it on weekend nights to take a break from studying and the stress the classes gave them, and ensigns who had just returned home for some shore leave. Jim use to attend The Keg almost every other night upon his discharge from the hospital. He'd go there to clear his head, to take some time for himself when Bones wasn't able to spend time with him. He'd sit at the corner of the bar, downing drink after drink as he watched some of the younger people mingling with each other, and silently resent them for never knowing a day of danger in their life. Most of them probably didn't even know anything about true sacrifice, or what it felt like to die to save others, and though on many weekend nights when it was so tightly packed, Jim had never felt more alone.

This night wasn't particularly crowded as Jim and Spock entered The Keg. A few students were scattered here and there, enjoying cocktails and bottle neck beers. One or two locals sat at the far end of the bar, lost in their thoughts. Jim sighed and chose a small table in the back corner, near a dart board sitting on the wall behind them. Not even a moment after him and Spock sat down did the bar tender sway her hips on over to them.

"Hi." She said, smiling at the both of them. Her eyes settled on Jim seconds later, reaching her hand out to rest on the back of his chair. She leaned over just a smidge, but enough to show the cleavage she had so worked on to hike up that morning. "What can I get you boys?" Her voice drew out each word as if offering something else hidden behind them.

Jim looked up, his eyes stopping out of habit to the show placed out in front of him for a split second before looking at her face. He smiled. "Just a rum and coke for me." He looked over at Spock, breaking eye contact with the bar tender.

"I do not require anything." His voice, which had started to sound softer to Jim in the past few days, now sounded cold and stern. Spock's face was just as equally stoic, his jaw set hard, and Jim cleared his throat, nodding to the bar tender. She took her leave, albeit a little slower than normal, back to the bar. Jim looked down at the table, picking at piece of loose wood with his thumb nail. For some reason, he felt like a little kid again, getting scolded. He could feel Spock's eyes burning a hole in him.

"Sorry." He mumbled, jabbing a piece of wood loose.

Spock shifted in his chair. "If you are intending to pick up the bar tender then I should leave." He made a move to stand but Jim reached across the table suddenly, laying a hand on Spock's wrist.

"No. No I'm not going to hook up with her. I invited you after all. Don't go." There it was again. That pleading behind simple words, silent questions instead of small demands. Spock nodded and relented, fixing himself comfortably in the chair. Jim sat back and sighed. "Are you sure you don't want anything? I can always get it-"

"It is not about money. Vulcan do not indulge in alcoholic beverages. I myself have never found the need to."

Jim blinked and let out a small snort. "You've never had alcohol?" Spock shook his head, causing Jim to let out a much larger laugh. "You've gotta try it man."

Spock stared. "Alcohol inebriates ones' mind and causes their inhibitions to lower. Being half human leaves me to believe that upon ingesting any type of alcohol will cause my senses to lessen and if we are both intoxicated it would be illogical to leave this establishment and I do not wish to spend the night in a bar."

Sighing, Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew when he'd lost an argument with Spock before it even started. "Alright, okay. Mind if I "indulge"?" Spock nodded, an eyebrow twitching out of amusement. Spock liked winning fights with Jim.

The night continued into a downward spiral for Jim as he threw back one drink after another. At first he was silent, people watching, but after about two hours and a few far too many drinks, he'd started to ramble to Spock about everything that was on his mind. His father played a big role, and his fears that George would choose to leave, to want to find a way back to his own time appeared as well, but the biggest of them all were his thoughts on his own self esteem and why it was so damn hard to try and fix himself.

"I just -feel- all the time. I wish I didn't." He slurred, swaying the liquid around in his glass he'd been staring into for the past thirty minutes. "I wish I could choose not to feel." The memory of the familiar conversation behind the glass door ran through his head as the words fell from his mouth.

"Then you would not be you, Captain." Spock commented, the last statement Jim made ringing unforgettable memories.

Jim looked up then, a smirk hidden on the edges of his mouth. "Are you giving me a compliment?"

Spock tilted his head. He could feel his heart beating just a little too fast. Was he giving a compliment or stating a fact? And was the fact in itself a compliment? "I am merely stating that as a human you have the ability to feel emotions to their fullest."

Downing the drink in his hand, Jim sighed and ran a hand through his hair, which by now was a bundle of bedhead. "You're half human yanno, Spock. You have the ability to feel emotions too."

A glass door between them. The light in Jim's eyes flicking out. His hand falling.

Spock blinked, something inside cracking like a dam and he looked down at the table. "I am reminded every day, Captain." A hitch in his voice, something caught in the back of his throat that sat very heavily within him. Spock wasn't really sure what to make of it. He knew his own thoughts, his own feelings on the matter, on Jim, but to express it was a different story. Though he'd had his moments where his emotions leaked through, or burst through really, Spock prided himself on the ability to master his half-Vulcan birthright of controlling his every day feelings. But then again, when it came to Jim, his feelings weren't your garden variety daily ups and downs.

A hand was placed over his and he looked up to see Jim staring at him, his bright blue eyes glazed over with inebriation and red with tears. "I think I want to go home now." He said, lifting his hand from Spock's and clumsily standing.

ooooo

Spock concluded, upon entering Jim's apartment, that the ship's quarters was not the only place he hadn't bothered to tidy while occupying it. Clothes lay strung out on the floor or across the couch. One was even sitting on a lamp shade on an end table. Pillows were thrown from the bed, one missing a pillow case that had somehow found its way stuffed between the blinds at the window, and the sheets lay tangled. How long had they been gone? The room looked untouched by Jim or any one for that matter, but surfaces were dusted and the windows were washed clean. Spock made a mental note to inquire into this anomaly later.

For now, he was helping Jim over the threshold, an arm tucked under Jim's arm, wrapped around his back. Jim's head lolled to and fro as he groaned. "Make the room stop spinning." He slurred, tripping over his own foot. Luckily Spock was solid enough to continue all but carrying Jim to his bed, where he gently sat him down on the mattress. Jim laughed, falling back to lay back on the bed, his arms outstretched in a T formation.

Silently, Spock removed Jim's shoes and placed them on the floor at the end of the bed. He took Jim's pack and tossed it on a small table by a nearby window. Jim let loose another laugh and rolled over on his side, watching Spock move about his bedroom. It was dark but with the blinds semi open, moonlight illuminated it just a bit to see. "You…." He paused, feeling an all-too-familiar urge rising in his throat. He took a deep breath. "You don't have to do all that, yanno." He breathed.

"It is not a problem." He muttered, when he really wanted to say was how could one person make such a mess, and keep it, no less, for over two years? But he held his tongue and brought over a small trash bin he found lying on its side. "In case you decide to vomit all the alcohol you consumed." He commented. Jim watched as Spock turned to take his leave, grabbing his own pack.

"W-wait!" Jim shouted, shooting up just a little too fast and nearly falling off the bed. He caught himself and held his head in his hands for a moment until he was ready to look up at the other. "Please don't leave. Could you stay? Just for tonight."

You are going to have to spend a night alone, Spock thought, but he nodded and silently placed his pack on the table with Jim's. He pulled up a chair next to the bed but Jim stopped him, shaking his head. Spock raised an eyebrow, curious. Jim's eyes, no longer tearful, were still heavy with intoxication but he held a sturdy stare with Spock before gesturing to the bed. Spock gave the bed a once over. "I do not think it wise, Captain."

"Jim."

"I do not think it wise. Jim."

"I didn't say it was wise. I just want you to do it."

Spock looked back down at his Captain, his friend, and despite the feeling of self-disapproval in the pit of his stomach, nodded. Jim removed his coat and lazily dropped it on the floor and observed Spock remove his own coat, scarf and boots, setting them neatly on the chair next to the bed. Jim sidled up to the right side of the bed and buried himself under the covers. Spock joined him, his actions stiff and hesitant. It wasn't until he was fully under the covers that he realized how close to the situation he really was, but if spending the night with Jim would make him feel a little bit better, then Spock would do it.

A hand snaked up Spock's side and over his chest, fingers splayed across. He opened his eyes, which he was unaware that he had closed, and looked over to see Jim leaning over him. Spock looked up at him, body stiff again. "Captain?"

Jim gazed down at Spock, his vision going in and out of blurriness. Spock's chest felt hard and solid beneath his fingers and Jim had to resist the urge to do anything that might mess up this moment, this staring contest. He felt like he'd lost control of his body and his thoughts were running away from him, fleeting in and out of brown eyes filled with tears, tears for him. "Kiss me." He blurted.

Spock stared blankly at Jim, not quite sure if he heard correctly but inwardly kicking himself for thinking so illogically because Jim was right in his face, close enough that he could have heard him if he'd whispered. His throat felt dry and his head started to spin. "I do not think it wise, Captain." He reiterated.

"Jim."

"I do not think it wise, J-"

Lips sloppily pressed onto his, wet and a bit forceful. Spock's hand came up, gripping Jim's wrist out of habit of what to do when people struck him with surprise. Usually it was when people picked a fight. He was a bit unsure of what to do but thankfully Jim pulled back first. "I'm sorry." He mumbled. Spock was still struck speechless, though a thousand things to say sprang to mind. "It probably -isn't- wise to-"

Spock's grip on Jim's wrist tightened, pulling Jim back towards him. "Wise be damned." He uttered before crashing his lips onto Jim's.

**Woo! You've made it through another chapter and what's this? I've left it another cliff hanger? Dun dun dun…haha. I was seriously considering how long I was going to make this chapter but I set a loose word/page cap for myself so that each chapter is long enough to keep you interested and on your toes. I hope I did a good job. **

**Anyway, I'm debating what should happen in the next chapter because it could go two ways. It's really only got two ways to go, but still, I'm heavily thinking of which way I could take this. **

**Please leave a review and I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you think!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Welcome to Chapter Seven! Well there's not much to say this far in except this chapter proved a bit tough for me to write. I've been distracted with a few of my hobbies and my two month old has decided to start teething early! Haha.**

**I really do appreciate those that have followed me this far and for the repeat reviewers. You loving the story makes me happy and inspires me to write more for you! So keep the positivity flowing!**

**To any newcomers, thank you for reading this far and I hope you choose to stay on and read more!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek or any of its characters. **

Jim Kirk loved a good drink or two, and sometimes a few too many were good too, but he hated the mornings after, especially when his head pounded like he had taken a hammer to it. His eyes opened slowly, the morning light enveloping his bedroom, and took a deep breath. The ceiling had finally stopped spinning but his insides were still a jumble of knots. He let out a groan and sat up, the sheets pooling around his lap, shivering from the sudden cool air. Goosebumps rose on his skin. Goosebumps. No shirt. A golden brow arched as Jim lifted the sheet. He was naked. He never slept naked, contrary to the rumors of his promiscuity, because he didn't like how the sheets felt on his skin.

Something stirred next to him and Jim let out another groan. Drinking also brought on the bad habits of picking up floozies in bars for a drunken night of fun. He shut his eyes and prayed that he had at least picked a beauty this time. He took another deep breath and turned his head slowly, his vision still a little dizzying. Jim opened his eyes to see-

Spock.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

If he hadn't been on the verge of emptying his stomach contents, Jim probably would have flipped off the bed, letting out a yelp of pure surprise. But instead, since his pounding head grounded him to the spot, Jim stared at the form of his Commander laying just as naked next to him. The sheet was pulled back just enough to show above the shoulder. Spock's face was calm and serene, breathing in and out evenly, deep in sleep. His hair, which Jim had rarely ever seen messy, was the definition of bed head. If he hadn't been silently freaking out, Jim probably would have thought it looked a little adorable. But he was freaking out, so before he made a mistake, he slipped out of bed ever-so-softly and trotted off to the bathroom.

He shut the door and leaned against it, sighing. Broken thoughts floated around in his fuzzy memory, small clips of what happened the night before. So far as he could remember, he'd gotten drunk at The Keg and Spock had helped him back to his place. He remembered someone taking his boots off, Spock? He shook his head, dispelling the thoughts and let out yet another groan. What had happened?

By his appearance in the mirror, much had happened. Tiny bite marks lay on his shoulders, neck, even one down by his hip. Jim gulped and shivered as he touched the small mark, jumping slightly when a bit of pain followed the poke. In fact, parts of him were hammering almost just as bad as his head was that he hadn't noticed before. His lower back, the top of his right ear and strangely enough his left shoulder. He gripped it feeling the strain in the muscle as if he'd been punched, but there was no bruise.

Leaning forward, Jim turned on the sink and dipped his hands in the cool water. He splashed his face a couple times before patting it dry with a nearby towel. A heat started to rise in him, his face flushing with the thoughts of possibilities and inevitabilities of last night. "Oh man." He sighed, throwing the towel against the wall and turning the faucet off. He stared at the door for a few minutes, deciding on what to do before he opened it. Spock was still lying in bed, his chest rising and falling. The scene looked so peaceful and a sense of something in his gut told Jim that this seemed right, normal.

Then something in his gut told him that drinking on an empty stomach was a bad idea and he promptly turned to retch into the toilet.

ooooo

Waking up to the sounds of Jim vomiting was not what Spock had expected. In fact, he wasn't really sure what he was going to wake up to. The night before was a flurry of actions Spock wouldn't have believed happened if he weren't there performing them himself. He sat up, his feet planting on the carpeted floor, and looked towards the bathroom where Jim was busy regretting all the alcohol. He heard Jim groan and flush the toilet but when he didn't emerge from the bathroom, Spock stood up, finding his boxer briefs flung on the floor, slipped them on and made his way towards Jim.

Spock leaned against the door frame, watching Jim sit back against the door to the shower. His head hung downward, eyes staring at his own feet as his legs lay straight on the tile, a towel laying across his lap. Jim made no move that he was aware that Spock was standing there but he spoke to him nonetheless. "Remind me to never drink so much." He muttered.

"I believe that you will not need a reminder if you take the time to remember this moment." A small spark of amusement etched its way into a small smile on Spock's lips.

Jim looked up at him, his eyes heavy. "Did we do anything last night? I don't normally wake up naked with members of my crew….Anymore, anyway." He snorted.

The smile fell from Spock's mouth as he stood straight. It suddenly dawned on him that this could have been a possibility to wake up to. It was the last one on his list to be honest. "You do not recall anything from last night?"

Leaning his head back against the shower door, Jim smiled a little. "I remember making it in the door. But come on, we were both naked. Something must have happened."

Spock's jaw set hard and his shoulders tensed up. "It does not matter. You ingested a hefty amount of alcohol last night and were vulnerable. You asked me to stay so I stayed."

Jim cocked a brow. "But we were naked and parts of me…are sore." He blushed, mumbling the last part.

"You were vulnerable, as I said. It seems I have made a mistake and took advantage of your drunken state. I apologize." Spock turned on his heel back into the bedroom. He gathered up his clothes and dressed quickly. He needed to get out of this apartment and clear his head. What had he truly expected? A smile, a satiated look, a nod of approval? Sighing, he pulled on his boots and was just about to leave when Jim came out of the bathroom.

"Wait, Spock, don't leave." He reached out a hand, placing it on Spock's shoulder. "Come on, let's talk about this."

Spock sighed and turned. "Jim. I must admit that last night was not anticipated, by either of us. I am not one to linger when there is no point in lingering, unless you can prove me wrong." He stared down at the weakened state of his Captain.

"Wait, I didn't say anything was wrong, I just can't remember. Jim looked at him with those bright blue eyes. "I was pretty sloshed, man." He started. "I know I should be way more freaked out though."

"You should?"

Jim snorted. "Yeah. But I'm not." He sighed. "Did we have sex, Spock?"

Spock stared down at the blonde, finding brief amusement in the fact that Jim was still standing semi naked with a small towel wrapped around his waist. "Yes." Vulcans do not lie as a general rule of thumb but even so, Spock couldn't lie to Jim.

Moving to grab some clothes off of the floor, Jim walked back to the bathroom. He paused just outside the door and looked back over his shoulder. "Was I good?" He smirked, walking inside and placing his clothes on the back of the toilet. He jumped when he turned around to poke his head out and see Spock standing in the doorway.

"I could show you." He said, leaning against the door frame. "If that would satisfy you."

Jim leaned against the sink. "A bit kinky don't you think?" He smirked again, stuffing an edge of the towel on a fold of itself to keep it from falling down, and folded his arms. "I don't know if we'll have the time." Words kept spilling from his mouth without much of a single thought to consequence. A norm for Jim, a kind of defense mechanism, when he felt flustered and at a loss for what to do. He didn't want Spock to leave but telling him to stay was as far as he planned. Jim felt that he was experiencing the right amount of shock to waking up with Spock after a night of drunken escapades, but something else inside him told him that it was also normal to feel the butterflies in his stomach at the thought of said night of drunken escapades.

Maybe he was thinking too much on this. Couldn't this be something he truly wanted? What had he been getting at all those nights on the Enterprise when he requested Spock to join him on his nightly walks? Didn't he want someone to listen, to care about his problems, to share the pain he felt kicking around inside his head? So many questions, so much curiosity. Here Spock stood, in front of him, ready to tell him the truth about a night he desperately wanted to remember, and he was wasting time asking himself ridiculous questions.

Jim looked up at Spock, not realizing that at some point he'd been looking down at his feet. "Please."

That damn word would be the death of Spock.

Spock brought his hand up slowly, placing it gently on a few spots on Jim's face. He shut his eyes and whispered to Jim to shut his own. They stood that way for a few good seconds before Spock began to feel the pull of the mind-meld. He brought forth the memories of the past night, all the tumbles, all the kisses, and especially all the words whispered between the two. He sent it out as if like a movie played out in his head, specifying the details. He was concentrating so hard that he'd let slip all the emotions he expressed then and what he'd been holding onto and suddenly, the memories of Jim's death had peeked through and flooded both their psyche.

Spock broke the mind meld, his head tingling from the thought transference. He opened his eyes and saw Jim staring, eyes wide, up at him.

Jim's eyes slowly filled up with tears. He marked that this was the second time he'd come out of a mind meld crying, but he didn't care at the moment. All he cared about were the memories and the emotions bursting from that single touch. He had no idea that Spock had been feeling this way for such a long time. His own feelings were still forming, molding into something he wasn't sure of just yet, but so far as he knew, Spock was here, standing in front of him like an open book; had been standing by him on more than one occasion even when not outwardly asked to do so.

Jim reached out his hand and Spock took a step forward, causing Jim to back up. He bumped against the sink as Spock's hands gripped either side of it. They were so close now and Jim was still flustered from the mind meld. Spock staring down at him was making it harder to lose said fluster. He couldn't take it any longer. It seemed they had been dancing around each for months, even more so in the past few days, and finally something had come of it and Jim couldn't remember. It was driving him crazy.

He slid his hand up to grip the hair on the back of Spock's head and without a second thought, brought himself up kiss the Vulcan. Neither needed a moment to process what was happening. Jim's arms wrapped around Spock's neck as Spock's arms wound their way around Jim's hips. They crashed together, lips parted, tongues tasting each other, hands gripping what they could as hard they could.

Jim moaned, Spock's hands sliding down to wrap around Jim's legs, hoisting him up to sit on the sink. Jim wrapped his legs around Spock's waist, pulling him close to his heated flesh, moaning again. Spock trailed kisses down Jim's neck, planting a very hard bite where his neck met his shoulder.

"Ah!" Jim exclaimed, throwing his head back. He gripped Spock's hair harder, smirking at the deep growl Spock voiced deep within his throat. Spock licked the spot where he had bitten, a bruise already starting to form. He stepped back from Jim then, removing Jim's hand from his hair. He was panting, a slight green flush deepening his cheeks the more he stared at Jim sprawled out on the sink. He too was panting, legs spread teasingly underneath the small towel still sitting on his lap, which now had a sizeable bulge beneath it as well. "What's wrong?" Jim asked, staring at the flustered form of Spock that he so desperately wanted to kiss again.

Spock shook his head. "Nothing." He muttered, removing his shirt and crashing back into Jim's opened arms. Chest to chest, skin to skin. It was enough to send Jim reeling, a deep shudder sneaking up from the tips of his toes to the ends of his hair. He kissed Spock again, teeth scraping his bottom lip.

Grasping the towel and tossing it away, Spock passionately returned the kiss, his hands clumsily undoing his own pants. When he couldn't get the button undone, he growled and ripped the fabric, his pants falling to his ankles. Not caring much about his boxer briefs, Spock ripped those too and tossed them, stepping out of his pants. They couldn't get any closer than they already were, bodies pressed against each other, lips crashing together in sloppy, heated kisses, erections pushing against one another.

Jim pulled back, just enough to mumble against Spock's lips. "Do it." A simple request. Spock couldn't say no, couldn't back out now even if he wanted to. The begging, the pleading, the needing. It was more than enough, to be wanted so primitively. Spock nodded, Jim's legs wrapping around Spock's waist again. Spock hoisted Jim's hips up, his arousal twitching at the anticipation, and without hesitating slammed himself into Jim.

Jim cried out, tossing his head back. It felt like fire burning his skin, tearing him up from the inside, but also a ton of pleasure riding right behind it. Jim didn't think he was one for pain but the sudden burst of it was enough to send him to the edge. Spock scooped up his lips in another kiss, trying to dispel the throbbing pain with distraction. It worked. In seconds Jim was wriggling his hips against Spock's, an invitation to move.

Spock obliged. Jim moaned, digging his fingers into Spock's shoulders, enough to cause Spock to wince but he didn't care. He kept going, picking up his pace, feeling himself move in and out and in and out, feeling the warmth of Jim wrapped around him for a second time in the past eight hours. Spock kissed Jim again, sweet kisses contrasting with his vigorous thrusting, catching every moan Jim dished out, a moan or two slipping its way past his own lips.

Jim drank it all up. His lips grinned against Spock's, each thrust sending him to the edge and back again. This certainly was something new to him but he didn't care. All he cared about was the pain, the pleasure, the roughness all rolled into one explosion of emotion emanating from the Vulcan. He could feel it, the pressure rising inside himself. He moaned loudly, kissing Spock one last time before he tossed his head back, his back arching and the muscles in his legs tightening around Spock's waist.

White hot, blinding pleasure. Goosebumps rising on his skin. Tingling all over his body. Somewhere in between Spock's name flying from his lips.

Spock could feel himself joining in, one, two, three thrusts, and the familiar pull tugging at his insides as he spent himself inside Jim seconds later. Every muscle in his body tensed as he groaned, leaning forward to rest his head on Jim's shoulder, out of breath and a bit dizzy. Jim was also breathing rather heavily, his hands lax and limp around Spock's neck. They stayed that way for a good few minutes, neither wanting to move nor having the strength to. But eventually Jim caught his breath and unraveled his legs from Spock's waist, letting them dangle from the sink.

"I think it's time for a shower." He chuckled. Spock brought his head back up to stare down at Jim. He couldn't read the amused smile that Jim was giving and it bothered him a bit. His smile said one thing but his eyes were showing a completely different emotion. Instant regret maybe? He nodded and stepped away, his erection sliding out from the other, giving enough room for Jim to hop down from the sink.

Suddenly, Spock felt very awkward standing in the middle of Jim's bathroom, naked and post-sex. He wanted to say something but he wasn't sure what, he just stared at Jim, watching him start the water to shower. Should he leave? Was Jim not happy? Had Spock assumed too much too fast? He was too busy thinking to notice Jim grabbing his wrist but he came to when Jim tugged him into the shower.

Spock stood there, water running down his body, entranced by the view of the water running down Jim's body. "Jim I-" His eyes flicked up to meet those blue orbs staring back at him, a smirk playing on Jim's lips.

"Spock, shut up." Jim said, pushing Spock up against the tiled wall, planting another heated kiss on him.

**I'm a bit of a trickster aren't I? I almost made you believe that there wasn't going to be any good things to come of this chapter but tada! **

**I actually trouble with how to write this chapter because I've been out of the fanfic writing game for such a long time and my imagination was a bit rusty. But! I hope I can make some of you proud with what I've wrote and wrangled you in for more.**

**Please don't forget to leave a review and thank you for reading!**


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